Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Brother?