I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
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1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Mornin
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies