Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me irl
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
My sex drive has a dui
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”