Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
You Might Also Like
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel