Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
You Might Also Like
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Why is no one talking about this?!
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
The photographer’s assistant
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti