Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
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Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.