Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
This is me 🤣🤣
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Where is your GOD now????
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food