How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?