omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
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I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
O Wise One….
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!