“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz