Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful