her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.