Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
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What is going on? 😅
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other