My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.