Mhm.
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Yes
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too