Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
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*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Friday
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.