“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.