[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
How times have changed.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*