Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children