You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
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The Weeknd is back
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Imma just leave this here…………
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though