Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Trumpy Cat
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer