My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
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*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?