I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now