elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Children of the corn 🌽
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Midwest trash talk
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude