me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.