Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.