My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
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3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Why is this me 😫
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can