Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Just why bro?!
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
awkward
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping