I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
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It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night