The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
This is my brand.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Very problematic
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My wedding will be open casket.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt