Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
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so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”