Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
You Might Also Like
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
kevin is now a local weatherman
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to