the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
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Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Body by cheese-puffs.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
me and my fake scenarios
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.