Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
You Might Also Like
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.