found this cool rock hiking today
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Why is this me 😫
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.