Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
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Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*