Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
me hooking up with my ex
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶