just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
You Might Also Like
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Breaking news:
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.