Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous