cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
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can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford