A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻