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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”