Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I bet
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep