Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
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Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.