9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?