I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
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alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Pee pressure > peer pressure
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture