Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.