Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
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For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Legend 🤣🤣
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect