doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe