If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
next level snooze
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.